Gridiron Glory

A comedian I heard today (Keith Alberstadt) made a great observation about fantasy football:

"Fantasy Football is like Dungeons and Dragons for the guys who used to make fun of people who played Dungeons and Dragons."

So true. Except I always thought D&D was kind of cool in a nerdy kind of way.

Fantasy Girl

You may remember my first experience with fantasy football, two years ago, with my squad the "Girlie Men Express." We finished in second place in our league (and I think we could have won if I hadn't been in New Orleans covering the Sugar Bowl during the final week of the fantasy season).

Last year, I was just too busy to join a league. So this time around, I'm knocking myself out with two teams... the "Panty Wastes" and the "Pink Ladies" (though I'm thinking of changing the name of that team).

I find the most difficult part of playing fantasy football is selecting a name for my team. I don't want to be that boring guy who names his team after his college mascot or favorite pro team. We have a guy in our league who always uses the "Kirksville Vikings" as his team's name. Dude loves the Vikes. Cory often picks Spanish names for his squads.. Last year he was the "Diablos."

This year, I thought I had the best name ever for a fantasy football team: "Brokeback Quarterback." Unfortunately, Yahoo! only allows a team name to be 20 characters, putting it one over the limit. Yeah, I could go with "Brokeback Halfback" or "Brokeback QB," but it just doesn't have the same ring to it.

My first fantasy draft isn't until the weekend-- so if you have any suggestions for team names, let me know.

By the way, if you're a fantasy football fan, take a minute to check out this article. Funny Stuff.

Setting a Bad Example

I've been such a bad blogger lately. I get so frustrated when my friends don't blog on a regular basis and I'm unaware of the daily minutae of their lives. Yet, here I am, blogging only once a week.

You'll notice that I'm barely keeping up with my 52 books... after being ahead by four or five weeks most of the year. See? I haven't had time to do much reading, either.

Last week was a fairly busy one, despite the fact that I got to take four whole days off. I spent one of my days off Christmas shopping and two more whole days cleaning the apartment for the impending visit from the parental units. The apartment, by the way, is still a mess... by traditional standards. By our standards, it's pretty much immaculate. I'm sure that those of you who know me well understand.

I also spent some time making this year's Christmas cards. I used to make my holiday cards every year, and I put a lot of work into them. But as I got busier and busier, my cards got uglier and uglier... until pretty soon I was just phoning it in.

This year, I put actual effort into them. However, I'm still not done with them. By the way, I may not have your address... so if you want a card, you need to email me.

Other accomplishments of the last week? I got to bring home the pottery I created in class over the last two months. I have to say, it's some pretty ugly stuff. A couple of the pieces aren't too bad... but those are the ones I'll probably end up giving to people. Cory took one in to work to use as a tiny candy dish on his desk. An ugly tiny candy dish, I might add.

Oh, and the Girlie Men won their regular season finale. I beat the league-leading Waukesha Blackazzez for the second time this year. Waukesha only lost four games all season, so it's pretty good that the Girlies topped them twice. The "playoffs" start next week-- it looks like I'll either play the Kirksville Vikings or the Kirksville Cornfed-- I'll try to post an update soon!

Bad Bloggers Anonymous

Hello, my name is Sportslady, and I'm a bad blogger. I haven't had a blog in 11 days. To be honest, I haven't blogged for a couple of reasons... First, I've been really, really busy, and second, I've been kind of depressed. Either way, I didn't need to drag y'all into it.

So, I'll sum up the last week and a half:

The Bad:

• Spending Thanksgiving at work.
• Spending Thanksgiving alone, for the third time in four years. At least I didn't eat at Shoney's or Denny's like two of the last three.
• Family Crap.
• The Girlie Men Express losing in Week 11 to Chuck's Senior Citizens.
• Two airport runs... one of which included a three-hour delay at the airport, the other being a crack-of-dawn trip before I had to work a 12-hour day.
• Working several 12-hour days, then coming in on one of my days off, trying to get material together for a massive SEC Championship Game preview extravaganza.
• Having some inconsiderate asswipe at work come into my office, remove several tapes from my desk and erase all the material that I put together on my extra-long days and one of my days off.
• Having to then come in on my other day off to re-produce all the materials that I'd put in all those extra hours creating.
• Finding out that I'll have to work on the night of the station Christmas party, therefore missing my third Christmas party in four years.
• Pottery class ending. I was really starting to enjoy my Thursday nights.

The Good:

• Finally seeing Spiderman 2 (albeit alone).
• Being invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a co-worker's house. I only got to stay briefly, but the food was delicious and it was nice to spend time with "grown-ups" (most of my co-workers average about 23 years old).
• Cory bought me a present when he was out of town. Sure, it's only a shirt, but it was nice of him to bring me something. (His mom bought me yet another fiberoptic snowman figurine... but I'd rather not discuss that. It's the thought that counts, right? Right???)
• Buying a new vaccuum cleaner. Seriously. That made me kind of happy. (and by the way, why do people call it a "vaccuum cleaner?" You don't clean vaccuums with it.)
• The Girlie Men Express avenging an early season loss to the Kirksville Vikings in Week 12, despite injuries to Tyrone Wheatley, Ahman Green, and Plaxico Burress.
• My very nice co-worker, Scrgetta, helped me to re-produce all those stories that were lost. And yes, I spelled her name correctly. I've mentioned the appalling lack of vowels in her name, and she still likes me. Go figure.

I think that probably summarizes the last few weeks fairly well. I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

Girlie Men Trump Queens

For the second time this season, the Girlie Men Express dominated the Kirksville Casino Queens in Frozen Tundra Fantasy League Play, 247.2-182.1.

The Girlies improve to 7-3, while the struggling Queens fall to 2-8.

For the second straight week, the Girlies were led by a solid defensive and special teams effort. The defense collected three sacks, two fumble recoveries, and a touchdown all before notching the game-winning safety in overtime. The Express special teams added a punt return touchdown to cap the leagues' best performance of the week.

The defense was able to overcome a second straight sluggish performance by quarterback David Carr, who tossed three interceptions and lost a fumble. The cold weather made it difficult for the Girlie receivers to hang on to the ball: Only tight end Jeremy Shockey managed to score a touchdown reception.

Though the passing game struggled, the Girlie rushing attack surpassed expectations against the Queens. Domanick Davis scored a pair of touchdowns, Brian Westbrook found the end zone despite playing with bruised ribs, and Ahman Green tallied 145 rushing yards.

In week 11, the Girlie Men Express will battle Chuck's Senior Citizens (6-4), who currently hold third place in the Frozen Tundra League. The Girlies topped the Seniors 205.7-188.8 in the second week of the season. Chuck's squad is led by a solid defense, along with the rushing skills of Tiki Barber.

Girlie Men Pressured by Chiefs

For just the third time this season, the Girlie Men Express failed to garner a victory in the Frozen Tundra Fantasy Football League (FTFFL) season. The Girlies lost a hard-fought 250.1-220.9 battle to the Pressure Chiefs in Week Nine.

"Our passing game struggled all weekend, and that really was the difference-maker for us," explained 'The Sportslady' after the game ended late Monday night. "David (Carr) passed for 245 yards, and that's just a little under his average. He just had trouble getting it into the end zone."

The Girlies needed a solid passing effort, because the squad's top two running backs were unavailable. Ahman Green and Brian Westbrook were both sidelined for the matchup. This season, the two have combined for eight touchdowns, over 1,600 yards, and 385 total fantasy points.

Both will be available for week ten, but Westbrook's carries may be limited.

The Sportslady said she was impressed by the performance of Tyrone Wheatley, who the Express acquired as a free agent last week. Wheatley had missed much of the year with injuries, but rallied in his Girlie Man debut, posting two rushing touchdowns.

The Girlie Men don't lose any ground in the FTFFL standings. Their 6-3 record is still good enough for sole possession of second place behind the Waukesha Blackazzez. Next week, the Girlies will face the last-place KV Casino Queens, a team that the Express beat 223-164 in their first meeting.

The Pressure Chiefs improve to 4-5, and climb into a sixth-place tie in the league standings.

Girlie Men Mid-Season Report

With a record-breaking victory in the eighth week of the season, the Girlie Men Express have climbed into sole possession of second place in the Frozen Tundra Fantasy Football League (FTFFL). The Girlie Men (6-2) trail only the 7-1 Waukesha Blackazzez. The Blackazzez only loss came three weeks ago, at the hands of the Girlie Men.

The St. Louis Broncos entered Week Eight in a second-place tie with the Girlie Men Express, who were playing without injured running back Brian Westbrook. Even with his absence, the Express scored 292 total points, breaking the previous league record of 274.6 set by the Pressure Chiefs in Week Five.

The Girlie Men's 292-163.5 win also set a FTFFL record for the largest margin of victory.

In Week Nine, the Girlie Men face the Pressure Chiefs (3-5).

"The Chiefs have faced some tough opponents this season," said Girlie Men Owner/Coach "The Sportslady" on Thursday. "They don't play like a 3-5 team. In fact, they're leading the league in total points scored. The Pressure Chiefs are always dangerous."

The Sportslady has been involved in a relationship with Pressure Chiefs Owner/Coach Cory O'Donnell for the past several years, but she downplayed the significance of their relationship heading into game week.

"We both take this league very seriously, and we both expect to emerge from this game victorious."

O'Donnell added, "Fifty-one weeks out of the year, it's not an issue. But this is Girlie Man week for our squad. You have to throw the friendships and records out the window and prepare for battle."

Girlie Men Edge Cornfed

In the narrowest game in franchise history, the Girlie Men Express squeaked past the Kirksville Cornfed 197.1-194.9 in week four of the Frozen Tundra Fantasy Football league.

Player of the game Johnnie Morton was the difference-maker for the Express, clinching the victory in the fourth quarter on Monday night, with five receptions for 64 yards. The Girlie Men had trailed the Cornfed by 12.2 points before Morton entered the game.

The Girlie Men were led by running back Brian Westbrook, who posted a combined 178 yards. Backup quarterback David Carr, acquired just days before the game, also performed admirably, with 228 yards through the air and a touchdown pass. Regular Girlie Men signal-caller Steve McNair was sidelined with a bruised sternum.

"Now we have some difficult decisions to make," said Girlie Men General Manager/Coach "The Sportslady." "We have three quarterbacks on our roster, all capable of leading this team to victory. Unfortunately, we really only have room for two quarterbacks. We'll monitor their progress over the next few days and try to determine what to do from there."

The Cornfed drops to 1-3 on the season, despite a solid performance from quarterback Peyton Manning. The Girlie Men improve to 3-1.

Next week, the Girlie Men express faces its toughest challenge of the 2004 season, the undefeated Waukesha Blackazzez. Waukesha is led by quarterback Brett Favre and running back Thomas Jones. Jones, however, will be unavailable to play this weekend. Westbrook, the Girlie Men's leading rusher, will also miss the game.

Depleted Receivers Hinder Girlie Men

The Girlie Men Express suffered its first loss of the Frozen Tundra Fantasy Football season, as the Kirksville Vikings took advantage of a hobbled Girlie receiving corps.

The Vikings outscored the Express by 29 points in week three, on their way to a 173.3-152.2 victory.

Wide Receiver Brandon Lloyd missed the third-week matchup with the Vikings, with a Grade-1 tear of his groin. Tight End Desmond Clark was also unable to play with an ankle injury. The Express acquired Johnny Morton to fill the receiver role.

The Girlie Men injury bug wasn't limited to receivers only. Running back Domanick Davis was injured early in the weekend matchup, and NFL MVP Steve McNair suffered a bruised sternum on the field.

Running back Ahman Green led the Girlie Men attack. His solid performance, however, was overshadowed by both Warrick Dunn and Randy Moss of the Vikings. Dunn tallied 25.4 points, and Moss racked up 30.9 for Kirksville.

In order to alleviate some of the squad's injury problems, the Girlie Men have signed running back/return specialist Jamal Robertson and quarterback David Carr.

The Girlie Men Express (2-1) will seek to rebound from its first loss of the season when the squad faces the Kirksville Cornfed (1-2) in week four. The Cornfed are riding a two-game losing streak, despite boasting the third-highest scoring player in the league, quarterback Payton Manning.

Girlie Men Remain Unbeaten

Despite scoring just one touchdown, the fledgling Girlie Men Express emerged Monday night with a victory in the Frozen Tundra League. The Girlie Men defeated Chuck's Senior Citizens 205-188 for the Express' second win in as many weeks.

Coach/General Manager "The Sportslady's" team trailed by six points entering Monday night, but RB Brian Westbrook responded with a balanced performance on the gridiron. Westbrook rushed for 69 yards, and added five receptions for another 69 yards to clinch a the win for the Girlie Men.

The Express, who scored six touchdowns in their opener, managed one lone trip to the end zone this weekend. Quarterback Steve McNair, struggling in his first two games with the Girlies, carried the ball on a one-yard run for the team's lone touchdown.

Jason Elam added two field goals in the Express effort.

The Girlie Men have named running back Domanick Davis as "Girlie Man of the Week" after his 173-yard performance against the Seniors Citizens.

The Seniors scored four touchdowns in their loss, including a 51-yard interception return in a stellar defensive performance. The Seniors weakness came in its receiving game. Plaxico Burress, Justin McCareins and Dennis Northcutt combined for a mere 57 yards as Chuck's Senior Citizens dropped to 0-2. The squad's receiving corps received another blow over the weekend, as starting tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. suffered a broken leg. The rookie will be out for at least two months.

In week three, the Girlie Men (2-0) will face Rich Gannon and the Kirksville Vikings (1-1).

The Wait Is Over

Due to overwhelming interest in my fantasy football team, The Girlie Men Express, I've made it easier than ever to access information about this imaginary gridiron juggernaut.

Now, you can visit the official website of The Girlie Men Express.

Girlie Men Waive Williams

On Wednesday, the Girlie Men Express announced a roster move designed to improve the squad's struggling receiving corps. The team released wide receiver Reggie Williams, and acquired Ricky Proehl off the waiver wire.

"Reggie is a solid ballplayer, and we're very sorry to see him go," said Girlie Men coach/GM "The Sportslady." "We wish the best for him, and hope that he finds his way with another team soon."

Sportslady admitted that her team's ongoing dispute with WR Keenan McCardell had a direct impact on Williams' release.

"With one of our top receivers still holding out, we need to find a player who can fill some very big shoes. Reggie simply wasn't getting enough receptions to fill that void."

"I've always been a fan of Ricky Proehl. He did some great things for the Rams when they won the Super Bowl in 2001. I'm hoping he can provide some important third-down yardage for the Girlies."

Proehl is expected to be in uniform for the Girlie Men Express (1-0) on Sunday, when they face Chuck's Senior Citizens (0-1).

Girlie Men Triumph Over Queens

The Girlie Men Express won its first victory in league history this weekend, with a solid 217-160 victory over the KV Casino Queens of Kirksville, Mo.

"The Sportslady" got off to a rough start in her debut as a fantasy football coach/general manager. The Casino Queens led by as many as 40 points on Sunday, thanks in part to a stellar performance by KV quarterback Tom Brady. The University of Michigan graduate passed for over 300 yards and three touchdowns.

Girlie Men quarterback Steve "Air" McNair couldn't keep up the pace, managing just one touchdown pass and 73 yards in the air.

Instead, the Express won with a solid ground attack. Running backs Bryan Westbrook and Domanick Davis combined for over 200 yards and two touchdowns, along with an additional 112 yards in receptions.

The Girlie Men had already clinched a victory over the Queens before star running back Ahman Green entered the game. Green had the strongest performance of the weekend, with two rushing touchdowns, one touchdown reception, and 116 total yards.

The Casino Queens loss also came at a price. Wide receiver Charles Rogers suffered a broken collarbone in the first quarter. He'll be out for the remainder of the season.

The "Sportslady" was satisfied with her team's performance in the opening week, though she acknowledged that there was plenty of room for improvement. "We only scored 25 points between three wide receivers. I hope that the team can work out our differences with Keenan McCardell in the near future. He's not an asset to us if he's sitting on the bench every week."

The Girlie Men (1-0) will take on Chuck's Senior Citizens (0-1) in week two of the Frozen Tundra fantasy season. The Seniors are led by running back Tiki Barber.

Meet the "Girlie Men"

This year, I succumbed to the pressure and joined a fantasy football league. No, it's not because I feel the need to beat the boys at their own game... and it's certainly not so I can show off my vast knowledge of the NFL (I did so poorly in last year's football pool that I quit after just six weeks).

I did it to get Cory off my back.

See, last football season, I was subjected to dozens upon dozens of fantasy football discussions. Cory constantly informed me of the minutae of every single player... maybe every single play... that impacted his fantasy team. By the end of the season, I was helping him calculate his scores. Of course, he appreciated the help, saying that I was the only person that could help him out. Everyone else (whose opinion he trusted) was involved in the fantasy league, and therefore he couldn't ask them for help.

That's when I saw the light. If I was in the league, then he couldn't tell me about his team every waking hour of the day!

As the only woman in this year's pool, I named my team the "Girlie Men Express." Picture them in pink helmets and purple tights. And no, Jeff Garcia's not on the team... though some suspect that he may be playing for the other team.

Here's the lineup:
Quarterbacks- Steve "Air" McNair, Joey Harrington
Wide Receivers- Marvin Harrison, Keenan McCardell, Rod Smith, Brandon Lloyd, Reggie Williams
Running Backs- Ahman Green, Domanick Davis, Brian Westbrook, Charlie Garner, Moe Williams (the pride of the Spencer Greenwaves)
Tight Ends- Jeremy Shockey (my token mullet), Desmond Clark
Kicker (and really, aren't all kickers "girlie men?)- Jason Elam

I Hate Fantasy Football

Aaaaarrrgh!

Sweet, kind girlfriend that I am, I just offered to calculate Cory's fantasy football score for this week. Big mistake. We found out that he lost his "game" by less than ten points, and he's been bitching non-stop for the last five minutes.

Other reasons to hate fantasy games: I lost my fourth game in the NFL pool that we're in. I've been out of the running for the money for a couple weeks now, so I've just been playing for pride in hopes that at least I won't finish in last place. But after another piss-poor performance, I'm pretty sure I have the worst record in our pool.

The good news? College Basketball is just weeks away. The NCAA Tournament tips off in 4 1/2 months. Hopefully, I can replicate my financial success from the 2003 tournament in 2004... and earn back some of the money I wasted on our NFL pool!