Sign of the Times

There's a new Ruby Tuesday opening down the street from where I work (actually, it's almost exactly halfway between cory's workplace and mine).

Between part-time and full-time positions, they have about 80 available jobs. And today, they received 1,000 applications.

Every day, I thank my lucky stars that I found a job... and that I actually like it.

The (Almost) Perfect Man

(Almost, because he's not my husband)

Regular readers of my little blog are probably familiar with my nauseating affection for former Rams/Seahawks Defensive End Grant Wistrom.

However, I'm not sure if I've ever waxed poetic about my fondness for Chiefs Tight End Tony Gonzalez.

First of all, the man's good-looking. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't notice. He's also one hell of a football player. Every year, I draft him for my fantasy football team, and every year, I get a lot of crap from people in my league saying that he's "too old" to draft. And yet, he's typically still one of the most productive players I have.

Finally, he's a nice guy. I got a chance to interview him once, and he didn't give off any of that "why the hell am I talking to you" air that a lot of pro athletes emit. And last week, he saved a life. When a man started choking near him in a restaurant, Tony jumped out of his chair and performed the Heimlich maneuver.

Interestingly enough, he's saved a life once before-- but more more indirectly. I vividly remember reporting the story during my first year working at KTVO. About eight years ago, during a road game, Tony crashed into a sideline photographer, knocking the photographer silly and sending him to the hospital. Tony (nice guy that he is) stayed by the photographer's side until they got him on the stretcher and off of the field. The photographer had a seizure while he was passed out, and doctors decided to perform a CT scan and MRI. It's a good thing they did... the tests revealed that the photographer had a brain tumor-- one that would never had been discovered if Tony Gonzalez hadn't crashed into him on the sideline. Crazy, huh?

Guitar Hero

I was at Target tonight, and noticed that they now make "Guitar Hero" for the computer. I'm sure I've mentioned Guitar Hero here on the blog before. It's absolutely brilliant.... except of course, that it takes no guitar-playing skill to master it... and that you never actually learn to play the guitar. Pretty much, if you have a sense of rhythm and were decent at playing "Simon" as a kid, you can master "Guitar Hero" pretty quickly.

Well, it looks like someone has improved upon an already great concept. Check this out: "Guitar Rising," a game in the works that's just like Guitar Hero... except you use a real guitar. How cool is that?

Not For You, Fattie.

Hungry?
Hope you're not in Mississippi, Lard-butt. It just might be getting a little bit more difficult to get a sandwich in the Magnolia State.

Going Nuts

Which is worse? People who purchase testicles to dangle from the back of their pickup trucks-- or politicians who want to waste legal resources to outlaw them?

Apparently, they're a safety hazard, because people get distracted while staring at them. I know that I can't concentrate when a pair of white-trash steel dingly-danglies are in view. Give me a break.

Oh, and the Virginia law-maker in question also wants to outlaw them because they're obscene.

Disgusting, yes. In poor taste, yes. But obscene?

Now, don't get me wrong-- I don't think anyone on the planet needs to have "Truck Nutz." In fact, I think they should be illegal just because there's a good chance that anyone who has them is probably too mentally deficient to own a drivers' license.

The article goes on to quote a concerned citizen from right here in the Sunshine State:

“We’ve got a little nephew, he’s 4. I’m sure if he sees it he’s going to be asking what it is, you know.”

Hmmm. So this kid's never seen the backside of a dog? Or watched Meerkat Manor? Or maybe this concerned citizen also supports laws requiring all male animals either be neutered or wear pants.

In that case, pants-less Donald Duck is in trouble.

Addendum: I just got a note from my friend Blaine, who is a reporter in Hampton Roads. And guess what he did a story about? Click here for more (There's also a video link on the left side of the page).

Getting Political

It's getting to be that time of year. More accurately, it's getting to be that time of the 4-year cycle. I actually (kind of) give a crap about politics.

Cory's been driving me crazy by watching political news every night when he gets home from work-- this from the guy who hates watching the news. Now remember, I'm a little bitter about the news biz right now, but I can deal with a little bit of it. But I can't remember being this burned-out on election coverage so early. Ugh.

I think part of the reason why I'm so burnt-out is that I don't like any of the candidates. I think some are too inexperienced, some are too polarizing, and some are downright scary. Mike Huckabee really makes me nervous. But I have to hand it to him... the whole Chuck Norris thing is brilliant (If you haven't seen it yet, check it out here).

Do you think Bill & Opus will run again? They've got my vote.

Only in Florida

Nationwide, stores were packed over Thanksgiving weekend as the Christmas shopping season began. I'm sure lots of crazy things happened in stores in every state.

But in only one state will you find the following headline:

Flaming Lingerie Prompts K-Mart evacuation.

And guess what? It wasn't spontaneous lingerie combustion. Apparently, an arsonist set the fire.

Hmmm... I always thought polyester melted.

Activism in the Buff

Like naked ladies? Want to be more socially concious or politically active-- without all the fuss? Then check this out:

The Lovely Mistresses of George W. Bush 2008 pin-up calendar.

Some of his "mistresses" include: his press correspondent, "Miss Represenation;" Katrina Reconstructionist, "Miss Appropriation;" and the beauty queen, "Hal E. Burton."

As they say on their website, "It's your duty as a good citizen to stare."

Yet another million-dollar idea I didn't think of. Oh well. I don't have the body to pull this one off, anyway.

Out of the Loop

Has Keira Knightley done something particularly scandalous recently? People keep finding my blog by googling her name and now I'm starting to get curious.

So I did some looking-- and didn't find much. She's one some magazine's list of the 100 most overrated things, along with pilates and Grey's Anatomy.

Maybe she did something really scandalous in Europe-- and my Ameri-centric computer and web browser just haven't found it yet.

Going Kooky for the Dooky...

(note: I've been planning to post this since Friday, since a peculiar press release showed up at work, but I was afraid of being accused of promoting drug use. This post has been sitting in my "Drafts" folder for three days now! Now that the story has shown up on The Smoking Gun and on Breitbart, I think I'm pretty safe in telling the world)

One of the many reasons I love working in the news business: Bizarre memos showing up at work.

Last night, we got a doozy from one of our local Sheriff's departments. Apparently, the new "cool" drug for middle-school and high-school kids-- is raw sewage fumes (Called "Jenkem'). Seriously.

Apparently, you make Jenkem the same way you make sun tea. Except instead of tea, lemons, and water... you use feces and urine. So, parents, if you see a sun tea jar in your yard, you might want to investigate a little more closely.

The press release itself is almost as funny as the alleged drug use is disgusting. My favorite excerpt:

"All subjects who used the Jenkem disliked the taste of sewage in their mouth and the fact that the taste continued for several days."

I also enjoyed the common street names associated with Jenkem, which include "Butthash" and "Winnie" (as in Winnie-the-Pooh. Poor A.A. Milne must be spinning in his grave. First, his sweet books and characters get Disney-fied... and now this).

By the way, as much as I'd love to take credit for the title of this post-- I can't. My co-worker Randy came up with it.

Panda Porn

I saw this on the news last week-- and it's just about the cutest thing I've ever seen (nothing... I repeat... nothing is as cute as the otters holding hands. But this is a close second):

Raw Video: Panda pair kisses everyday

These red pandas in Japan are baffling their zookeepers. They kiss for at least an hour every day.

A warning, though. If you watch it for too long, you might start to feel a little bit dirty.

(P.s. Back to the otters- one of the famed "Otters Holding Hands" nearly died after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. She was rescued and sent to the Vancouver Zoo, where she is now an internet celebrity.)

Socks gets the Boot

I'm pretty torn on Hillary Clinton-- Yes, she's smart, she's capable, she's professional, and I think, quite honestly, she'd make a pretty good president... if she wasn't Hillary Clinton. And no, this isn't a gender issue... at least not in my mind.

As a potential president, she's really in a no-win situation. She's such a polarizing political figure that any actions she would make would be over-analyzed, criticized and villified-- and that's by both the right and left.

But here's my real problem with Hillary. She dumped Socks. Remember him? That cute little kitty-cat who inhabited the White House with Bill, Hillary, Chelsea and Buddy? Well, when the Clintons moved out, they took Buddy with them.

They pawned poor Socks off to Betty Currie.

Sure, the Clintons had bigger fish to fry. Bill had to go be a rock star. Hillary had to run for Senate. Chelsea had to go to college.

But seriously, how hard is it to take care of a cat? I can tell you from experience, as long as there's food in Zoe's dish-- and an occasional scritch under her chin or stroke of her belly-fur, she's pretty content. In fact, I sometimes think she prefers it when we're not around and she can be queen of the castle.

Really, I guess Socks was the lucky one. Poor ol' Buddy Clinton got run over by a car a year after moving out of the White House. Socks Clinton Currie is still alive and well and living in Hollywood, Maryland.

Hmmm.... I wonder if Mike Gravel has a cat? He seems more like the "pet rock" type to me.

Just the facts, Ma'am... Just the facts.

If you haven't yet seen Keith Olbermann's reenactment of the Sen. Larry Craig bathroom bust, you absolutely must watch. It's a delight.

One Small Step for Nerds...

A giant leap for nerd-kind:

NASA Shuttle to Launch Luke's Lightsaber

Cutest News Item Ever

Baby hedgehogs adopt brush as mother.
Newsworthy? No.
Adorable? Hell, yeah.

Let the Conspiracy Theories begin....

I just got a message from a co-worker... He's not quite as paranoid as Fox Mulder, but he's a little too interested in conspiracy theories. I'm sure you know the type... he means well, but sometimes he's a little "spooky."

Anyway, he passed along a new conspiracy theory... saying that there would be another terrorist attack in the next month.

His evidence? An anonymous investor has purchased a total of 245,000 "put options" on a European stock index. In essence, this mysterious investor is gambling that the price of this particular fund will drop by more than a third, sometime before September 21st.

Now, I don't know crap about the stock market. I know it goes up... I know it goes down. But if one of the mutual funds in my IRA dropped by a third, that would probably mean that the stock market as a whole had dropped by about that same amount.

So, how does this all tie in with conspiracies and terrorists? I've seen news reports in the past that report similar activities shortly before September 11, 2001. Apparently, "put options" skyrocketed on United Airlines, American Airlines, along with prominent WTC occupants Morgan Stanley and Merrill Lynch.

What does this all mean? Hell if I know. The good news? The 9/11 Commission debunks the whole insider trading link to September 11th, and says the "apparently suspicious [activity] proved innocuous."

I wonder what Fox Mulder would think? Maybe the aliens could tell us.

K-WTF?

This just stuns me beyond belief. I think it's the perfect example of a government agency that really has no clue what's going on.

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC)... the same FCC that enforces so-called "decency standards," the same FCC that fined CBS and its affiliates %5.5 million dollars for a glance at Janet Jackson's pastie-covered nipple...

That same FCC has released a list of 15 new television station call letters. And, oddly enough, the FCC doesn't find the call letters KUNT to be offensive at all. At least, not offensive enough to deny those letters to a television station in Hawaii.

Really?

Not surprisingly, the same media company which received KUNT also requested and received the call leters KWTF.

WTF, indeed.

An Athlete in His Prime...

We see it all the time-- an athlete in his (or her) prime suffers an injury so debilitating that he (or she) can't play any more. Think Bo Jackson. Or Jiri Fischer.

Now, devastating news from the world of competitive eating: Kobayashi has an arthtic jaw. On his blog, he calls it a "Fatal Wound."

For those of you who haven't yet seen the wonder of a small japanese man eating 50+ hot dogs in a matter of twelve minutes, it's pretty damned impressive. And a little disgusting. Ok, make that a lot disgusting. And "The Tsunami" Kobayashi has done it six straight years at Coney Island.

Looks like this may be the year for Joey "Jaws" Chestnut. By the way, the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is broadcast live every year on ESPN. You can catch it while you're eating your own hot dogs at noon.

No Argument Here

(let's try this again...)

The Worlds Ugliest Dog has been crowned.

Fourteen Days...

...Until free, delicious ice cream. (Eleven days until the wedding... at which there will be no ice cream).

Oh, Happy Day.

I'm almost looking forward to Ben and Jerry's Free Cone Day more than I'm looking forward to the wedding.

Almost.

By the way, while you're at the Ben and Jerry's website, check out the cutest anti-cloning message you'll ever see.