Red Carpet Memo

Attn: Cameron Diaz
Re: Hair
Priority: Urgent

Cameron, I get it. I really do. You have very thin, fine hair. Believe me, I feel your pain.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try.

You weren't asked to be an Oscar presenter because of your outstanding theatrical skills and your lengthy history of attendance at the Academy Awards. You were asked because you're eye candy.

A ponytail and sweaty-looking swept-aside bangs are not acceptable.