The Oscar Grouch

Ok, I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one. Let me begin my big Oscar rant by asking: Whose idea was it to make the Academy Awards a month earlier this year? It was terrible! How do you win an Oscar pool when everyone knows who's going to win every award. So "Boo" to February Oscar ceremonies, even if it's on "Leap Day."

My second Oscar complaint: Why, oh why, did they stick three "Best Song" performances back-to-back-to-back? I could hear remotes clicking across the country on that one. I've got no beef with Alison Krause, Sting, or Elvis Costello... but my God, could that have been any more boring? And then, to have the two more lively musical performances scheduled for later in the show just enhanced the obvious poor planning. If you must bunch them together, at least stick one of the more perky numbers in the middle to keep people from falling asleep. I was glad that Annie Lennox won, though. She's a class act.

Ok, on to the fashion. Let the sniping begin.

Nicole Kidman: How 'bout next year, you bring a larger purse and pack a freakin' sandwich in it! She looks so pathetic that Ethiopians would probably offer her their only meal. By the way, did anyone else fear that the front of her dress would fall down at any moment? I did.

Renee Zellweger: Ok, we all know that I really dislike her. She's too squinty, too pouty, and to me, her Oscar was the only surprise of the night. The dress was beautiful, but not on her. The added Bridget Jones weight has made her already broad shoulders even meatier, and the cut of her gown made her look like a linebacker.

Another broad-shouldered broad, Jennifer Garner: See, this is what you're supposed to do if you're built like a boy. Asymmetrical neckline, ladies. Learn it, live it, love it. Oh, and her lipstick matched her dress perfectly.

Samantha Morton: Nice try. It wasn't bad, but in my estimation, it wasn't good. The gown had a nice style, but a really weird color combination. Nothing on her seemed to match. Oh, and I was afraid her top would fall down, too. I like straps.

Marcia Gay Harden: Could that color have looked any better on her? The "Fashion Police" didn't like her, but I thought she looked spectacular. For God's sake, she's very pregnant with twins. She should get an award just for getting out of bed! (By the way, why did I think she was married to Ed Harris? Turns out he's married to Amy Madigan. Has been for two decades.)

Uma Thurman: Last year, I said she looked too glossy. This year, she looked like a tablecloth. You'll have to take my word for it, since I searched for half an hour and never found a single picture of her wearing her grandmother's curtains. Seriously, who dressed this woman? Christian Lacroix? Somebody might want to check his prescription.